A Burn In The Throat

Inheritance

My journey with heartburn started when I was roughly 5 years old, and I remember the moment well! I was at our small family church with an odd burning sensation in my throat, and I quietly walked up to my mother to discuss this rather unpleasant experience. She was quick to tell me to drink water, so I matched her speed and darted down a steep and troublesome staircase to satisfy my childhood urge to live dangerously.

I drank the water and found myself immersed in the chilling nourishment. I ran back up the stairs, found my seat quietly, adjusted my posture to continue my 'spiritual' practice of people watching, and then was surprised when the burning sensation quickly returned.

Once more: run down the stairs, drink water, a copious amount this time, and return to my seat.

A burn in the throat.

As I got ready to repeat the ritual, this time determined to drown the sensation, my mother grabbed me and demanded I cease my disruption. I informed her that my throat still hurt. She suddenly let go of my arm, gave me a soft sigh, and said,

"Oh... you have what I have."

Confusion. Fear. Anger.

Why do we both have this?

How come I have this burning, but not my brothers?

My mind was spinning with thoughts and questions, and I had yet to learn about genetic diseases, how they worked, or how they are viewed in Ayurveda. I knew nothing of Karma, Kavaigunyas¹, nor how diseases are full of opportunities.

No, I was far from understanding any of this, let alone the idea of how a disease can be an opportunity. What a childish idea, I would have thought.

I was bitter, angry, and hurt, and unfortunately and regrettably it wasn't long before I viewed my mother as the reason I have this disease.

Dr. Raisin 🍇

I've never felt more safe, held, and cared for than I did with Dr. Razak, but it was not Dr. Razak whom I saw when I had my first appointment to discuss my heartburn. Instead, it was with a new doctor with a name I do not know. A face I do not care to remember, as this was the young age of ~7 when I was prescribed my first round of PPIs.

These drugs were the start of my healthcare experience of having conflicting suggestions and a deep lack of clarity. I missed Doctor Razak. I missed his care and his compassion, and my mistrust of healthcare started here.

Why do I have to take these pills?

Because.

How do they work?

They just do.

Is there no cure?

This is the cure. Take your medicine.

Then out of sheer intuition and luck, I had the thought:

Do I really need to be taking these for the rest of my life?

Curiosity, the seeking of truth.
This question was birthed within the pain and suffering of a burn in the throat.

This question led me to have a follow-up with Dr. Razak. This time I'm in high school. This time, my intuition was met with grace.

Once he found out what medication I was on, he immediately shared that I am far too young to be on this medication and I need to focus more on the things that I eat and get an endoscopy done to see the damage in my throat.

This was the best and worst news I could have received.

It was the best because I knew it. I was right, there are other ways to deal with this corrosive eroding sensation.

It was the worst because of my deep phobia of vomiting.

This phobia was so deep that it took over 20 years before I finally received an endoscopy. And the news from that endoscopy was not good.

To Eat or Not to Eat

A question that stems from innocence and curiosity, yet contains the potential and power of destruction.

Maybe some of these triggers seemed obvious; maybe others were surprising. If I am able to avoid most foods, drink warm water, don't do any inversions in a yoga class. Sleep on my 'ramp' of a pillow. Eat before 7pm. Don't skip breakfast. Breathe. Then, my burn in the throat disappears. The acidic-acrid burps, gone. The random spike of pain in my chest, relieved. Waking up choking on vomit, a memory.

To eat or not to eat?

In terms of diet, I myself have struggled with emotional eating, binge eating, and mindless snacking. This may come as a shock to some of you, me being a wellness guy and all, but this is the truth of the matter. I have been through a difficult dance of food addiction, struggle, and learning about myself. I know what it is like to be tormented by the question.

To eat, or not to eat?

Despite my struggle with food, I have recently connected to the reality that the best way to answer this question is in fact, with another question.

Am I hungry?

Mr. Barrett's

Now, before I tell you about the profoundness of the question to a question. Let me tell you of a Mr. Barrett's, well, Dr. Barrett's. But most people don't call him Mister or Doctor. In truth, they don't really call him at all, but instead they discuss Barrett's Esophagus.

Barrett's Esophagus is a precancerous condition created by the chronic damage of the esophagus from excessive heartburn. It is the change of cells from squamous epithelium to Columnar epithelium.

In short, it can happen to those unlucky few who have experienced heartburn for a long, long time.

This was the news and diagnosis I received after receiving my first endoscopy.

Being diagnosed with Barrett's in my 30s is not common, but having heartburn at such a young age. That is also not common.

This diagnosis doesn't mean cancer, but it raises the risk enough to be checked once a year, hence the endoscopy.

What is even more insane was the Doctor who diagnosed me with Barrett's was wrong. Upon my second endoscopy, in the regular checkup, we learned that the first one was a misdiagnosis.

I was living with news that I had Barrett's esophagus for a year. I thought I would be playing the cancer lottery once a year, every year, for the rest of my life. I was elated to not have Barrett's esophagus, and I'm not surprised they suggested use of PPIs. However, none of this addresses the fact that most of my issues are preventable with food. None of the doctors other than Dr. Razak offer a treatment or plan to address the things we can control. The things we can change.

And so we return.

To eat or not to eat?

Well. Am I hungry?

The Flame of Awareness

Throughout my studies of holistic health, the flame of awareness was something that repeated over and over again.

Its meaning is vast, its teaching is eternal, and its practice is natural.

The flame of awareness brought to light a burn in the throat. The flame of awareness illuminated the intuition that there is another way to handle the symptoms. The flame of awareness is what is required to be able to answer the question Am I Hungry? with an honest radiance. The flame of awareness is what burned the ignorance of blaming my mother to a loving warmth in sharing this inherited disease.

Thank you to Dr. Razak for showing me health is more than taking pills.

Thank you to my mother for the company in this shared experience.

Thank you to a burn in the throat, for bringing light that allowed me to reconnect to the intelligence of the body, to the flame of awareness.